Why Pastors Ask These Questions
Premarital counseling questions aren''t a test. Your pastor isn''t grading your answers or deciding whether you''re "ready" to get married. The questions are designed to surface conversations you haven''t had yet — or have been avoiding.
Research consistently shows that couples who discuss key topics before marriage have stronger, longer-lasting relationships. Your pastor knows this from experience: the couples who stumble in year one are usually the ones who never talked about money, in-laws, or expectations before the wedding.
Here are 50 questions organized by the topics most pastors cover. Go through them together before your first session — you''ll get more out of the counseling if you''ve already started the conversation.
Faith and Spiritual Life
- How would you describe your personal faith right now?
- What role do you want God to play in your marriage?
- How often do you want to attend church together?
- Will you commit to praying together regularly?
- How will you handle it if one of you experiences a season of doubt?
- What does spiritual leadership look like in your marriage?
- How will you serve your church or community together?
Communication
- How do you prefer to be communicated with when you''re upset?
- What does your partner do that makes you feel most heard?
- When you''re in conflict, do you tend to pursue or withdraw?
- How did your parents handle disagreements?
- Are there topics you avoid bringing up? Why?
- How do you apologize — and how do you prefer to receive an apology?
- What''s something your partner doesn''t know about you that they should?
Finances
- How much debt do you each carry right now?
- What are your financial goals for the first five years of marriage?
- Will you combine bank accounts, keep them separate, or some hybrid?
- How much can each of you spend without consulting the other?
- How do you feel about tithing and charitable giving?
- What did money represent in your family growing up?
- Who will manage the day-to-day budget?
Family and Children
- Do you want children? How many?
- When do you want to start trying?
- How will you handle it if you struggle with infertility?
- What are your non-negotiable parenting values?
- How were you disciplined growing up — and how will you discipline your children?
- Will one of you stay home with the kids? For how long?
- How will you handle disagreements about parenting in front of your children?
In-Laws and Extended Family
- How often will you visit each set of parents?
- How will you handle it when your spouse and your parent disagree?
- Where will you spend holidays?
- How involved do you want your parents to be in your marriage?
- Are there family dynamics (addiction, estrangement, toxicity) that need to be addressed?
- How will you handle financial requests from family members?
Intimacy and Sexuality
- What are your expectations about physical intimacy in marriage?
- How will you handle differences in desire?
- What boundaries do you each have around pornography?
- How will you keep your intimate life a priority over the years?
- Is there anything in your sexual history your partner should know?
- How do you define emotional intimacy versus physical intimacy?
Roles and Daily Life
- How will you divide household responsibilities?
- What does a typical weeknight look like in your ideal marriage?
- How much alone time does each of you need?
- How will you handle career changes or relocations?
- What are your expectations about friendships with the opposite sex?
The Hard Questions
- Under what circumstances, if any, would you consider divorce acceptable?
- What scares you most about marriage?
- Is there anything you haven''t told your partner that could affect your marriage?
- How will you handle it if your marriage gets really hard?
- What does a successful marriage look like to you in 20 years?
How to Use These Questions
Don''t try to do all 50 in one sitting. Pick a category per week and spend an evening going through those questions together. Some will be easy. Some will surface things you''ve never discussed. That''s the point.
Write down your answers separately first, then share. You''ll be surprised how often your assumptions about your partner''s answer are wrong — and those surprises are exactly what premarital counseling is designed to catch.
Bring the hard ones to your pastor. If a question sparked a disagreement you couldn''t resolve, or surfaced something painful, that''s exactly what your premarital counseling sessions are for. Don''t bury it — bring it in.
Want More Structured Preparation?
These questions are a great starting point, but they''re not a substitute for working with a trained counselor. If you want deeper, evidence-based preparation:
- PREPARE/ENRICH — a research-backed assessment that generates a personalized report of your relationship strengths and growth areas
- Gottman Method premarital counseling — based on four decades of research on what makes marriages succeed
- SYMBIS — a comprehensive assessment covering personality, finances, intimacy, and more
Find a premarital counselor near you →