Premarital Counseling With Your Pastor: What to Expect and How to Prepare

Why Most Couples Start With Their Pastor#

For couples getting married in a church, premarital counseling with a pastor is often the first — and sometimes the only — marriage preparation they do. About 75% of clergy in the U.S. require some form of premarital preparation before they will officiate a wedding.

This makes sense. Your pastor knows your faith, your community, and often your family. That relational context creates a counseling dynamic that's different from seeing a licensed therapist — and for many couples, it's exactly what they need.

But walking into your first session without knowing what to expect can make the whole process feel awkward. Here's how pastoral premarital counseling actually works.

How Pastoral Counseling Differs From Licensed Therapy#

Pastoral counseling is guided by Scripture, theology, and the pastor's experience walking alongside married couples in the congregation. It typically focuses on spiritual alignment, biblical roles in marriage, and building a Christ-centered relationship.

Licensed premarital therapy uses evidence-based frameworks — PREPARE/ENRICH, Gottman Method, or SYMBIS — and is delivered by a therapist with clinical training in couples work.

Neither is inherently better. Many couples do both: pastoral counseling for the spiritual foundation and a few sessions with a licensed counselor for communication skills and conflict resolution tools.

Key difference: Pastors are not bound by state licensing requirements for counseling. They operate under the umbrella of their ordination and religious liberty. This means the quality and depth of pastoral premarital counseling varies widely — from a single conversation to a rigorous 12-session curriculum.

What Pastors Typically Cover#

While every pastor has their own approach, most pastoral premarital counseling covers these core areas:

Spiritual Foundation#

• Are you both Christians? What does your shared faith look like day to day?
• How will you grow spiritually together — prayer, church attendance, Bible study?
• Do you believe God is calling you to marry each other?

Communication and Conflict#

• How do you handle disagreements now?
• What did conflict look like in your families growing up?
• Can you fight fairly — without name-calling, stonewalling, or keeping score?

Finances#

• Do you have debt? Does your partner know the full picture?
• How will you budget, save, and make financial decisions together?
• Who handles the money — and what happens when you disagree?

Intimacy and Sexuality#

• What are your expectations about physical intimacy in marriage?
• How will you navigate differences in desire or boundaries?
• For couples who have been abstinent: how are you preparing for that transition?

Roles and Expectations#

• What does "headship" or "submission" mean to each of you (if applicable to your tradition)?
• How will you divide household responsibilities?
• Who works, who stays home — and what happens when circumstances change?

Family and In-Laws#

• How will you handle boundaries with in-laws?
• Do you want children? How many? When?
• What parenting values do you share — and where do you differ?

How Many Sessions to Expect#

Most pastors require 4–8 sessions spread over 2–4 months. Here's a typical breakdown:

Some pastors use a published curriculum (like Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts or The Meaning of Marriage) to structure the sessions. Others work from an outline they've developed over years of ministry.

Do You Have to Pay?#

Usually no. Most pastors include premarital counseling as part of their pastoral care — it's considered part of the wedding officiation. Some churches charge a facility or administrative fee for the wedding itself, which may include the counseling.

If you're working with a pastor who is also a licensed counselor, they may charge a fee — especially if sessions go beyond the standard number. It's appropriate to ask about costs upfront. Compare the full program fee with typical premarital counseling costs, including any assessment charge.

What If Our Pastor Isn't Great at Counseling?#

This is more common than people admit. Some pastors are gifted counselors; others are theologians, preachers, or administrators who see premarital counseling as an obligation.

If your sessions feel surface-level or you're not getting practical tools, consider supplementing with:

• A few sessions with a licensed premarital counselor — find one near you →
• An evidence-based assessment like PREPARE/ENRICH or FOCCUS
• A structured book or workbook you go through together at home

This doesn't have to be an either/or. Doing both honors your pastor's role while giving you the practical skills research shows make marriages last.

How to Get the Most Out of Pastoral Premarital Counseling#

1. Be honest. Your pastor can't help with what you won't surface. If there's a topic you're avoiding — finances, past relationships, sexual history — that's exactly what needs to come up.

2. Do the homework. If your pastor assigns readings, questions, or exercises between sessions — actually do them. The conversations between sessions matter as much as the sessions themselves.

3. Ask questions back. Your pastor has seen dozens of marriages up close. Ask: "What do you see couples fight about most in the first year?" or "What would you do differently if you were getting married today?"

4. Don't treat it as a checkbox. The goal isn't to get through it. The goal is to enter your marriage with fewer blind spots and more shared understanding.

Does Pastoral Counseling Count for State Marriage License Discounts?#

In several states, completing premarital counseling — including with an ordained clergy member — qualifies you for a marriage license fee reduction:

• Texas: Ordained clergy registered as Twogether in Texas providers can deliver the 8-hour course. Saves $60 →
• Florida: Clergy who are registered providers can issue the 4-hour course completion certificate for the $32.50 discount.
• Minnesota: 12 hours of premarital education from a licensed or ordained provider qualifies for $75 off.
• Georgia, Tennessee, Oklahoma, Indiana: Various discounts available for completing counseling with approved providers including clergy.

Check your state's specific requirements — not all clergy qualify automatically. The provider typically needs to be registered or approved in the state's program.

See all states with marriage license discounts →

Finding the Right Fit#

If you don't have a church home, or if your pastor doesn't offer premarital counseling, you have options:

• Ask a pastor from another church. Many pastors will counsel couples they don't know, especially if you're considering joining the congregation.
• Look for a Christian counselor. Licensed therapists who integrate faith into their practice offer the best of both worlds. Browse Christian premarital counselors →
• Try a structured program. Weekend marriage retreats and intensive workshops can cover in two days what some counselors take months to address.

The important thing is that you do something intentional before your wedding. Couples who invest in premarital preparation are 31% less likely to divorce and report higher satisfaction in their first years of marriage.

Find a premarital counselor near you →

Frequently Asked Questions About Premarital Counseling With a Pastor#

What is premarital counseling with a pastor?#

Pastoral counseling is guided by Scripture, theology, and the pastor's own experience walking alongside married couples in the congregation. It typically focuses on spiritual alignment, biblical roles in marriage, and building a Christ-centered relationship. Pastors are not bound by state licensing requirements for counseling, so depth varies widely, from a single conversation to a rigorous 12-session curriculum.

What should we expect from premarital counseling with a pastor?#

Expect conversation rather than a lecture. Most pastors work through your spiritual foundation, communication and conflict, finances, intimacy and sexuality, roles and expectations, and family and in-laws, then finish with the wedding ceremony itself. Sessions are usually spread over the months before the wedding, and there is often reading or an exercise to do between meetings.

What questions will our pastor ask us?#

Most pastors cover the same core ground. Expect questions about whether you share the faith and how you will grow in it, how you handle disagreements now and what conflict looked like in your families growing up, whether you have debt and how you will make financial decisions together, your expectations about physical intimacy, how you will divide household responsibilities, and how you will set boundaries with in-laws.

What questions should we ask our pastor?#

Ask about what you cannot see from the outside. Your pastor has watched marriages up close, so ask what couples fight about most in the first year, or what they would do differently if they were getting married today. It is also fair to ask how many sessions to plan for, and whether they work from a published curriculum or an outline of their own.

How many sessions should we expect?#

Most pastors require 4 to 8 sessions spread over 2 to 4 months. The first session gets to know you, your spiritual background, and why you want to marry. The middle sessions work through communication, finances, intimacy, roles, and family. The last one or two usually go to wedding ceremony planning and final conversations.

Does our pastor charge for premarital counseling?#

Usually not. Most pastors treat it as part of their pastoral care and include it with the wedding officiation, and some churches charge a facility or administrative fee for the wedding that may cover the counseling. A pastor who is also a licensed counselor may charge a fee, especially if sessions run past the standard number, so it is appropriate to ask upfront.

Does counseling with a pastor count toward a marriage license discount?#

It can, but only when your pastor is registered or approved as a provider in your state's program. Not all clergy qualify automatically. Texas, Florida, and Minnesota each have a program with its own hour requirements, and Georgia, Tennessee, Oklahoma, and Indiana offer various discounts. Check your state's specific rules before you count on the reduction.

Can our pastor both counsel us and officiate the wedding?#

Often the two go together. About 75% of clergy in the United States require some form of premarital preparation before they will officiate a wedding, so for many couples the counseling is a condition of the ceremony rather than a separate add-on. If your own pastor does not offer it, you can ask a pastor from another church or a Christian counselor.