It''s Not What Most Couples Expect
Most couples walk into their first premarital counseling session expecting it to be intense, confrontational, or deeply emotional. It''s usually none of those things.
The first session is primarily introductory and practical. A good counselor spends most of it getting to know you as a couple — your backgrounds, how you met, what you love about each other, and what you''re hoping to get out of the process. It''s often closer to a good conversation than a therapy session.
What Actually Happens in the First Session
The counselor introduces themselves and their approach. You''ll learn what methods they use (Gottman, PREPARE/ENRICH, faith-based, etc.), how they structure sessions, and what the overall arc of your work together will look like.
You both share your story. How did you meet? How long have you been together? When did you decide to get engaged? This isn''t just small talk — a skilled counselor is observing how you tell the story together, who speaks first, how you handle it when your partner tells it differently.
Individual backgrounds come up. The counselor will ask about your families of origin — what your parents'' relationship was like, what your childhood home felt like, what patterns you grew up seeing. This sets context for everything that follows.
Goals for counseling are established. What do you each want to get out of this? Are there specific topics you want to address? Are there things you''re nervous about? This helps the counselor design a program that''s actually useful for your relationship rather than a generic checklist.
Logistics are handled. Frequency of sessions, confidentiality, how the counselor handles it if one partner shares something privately, scheduling, payment.
Questions You Might Be Asked
- Tell me how you two met and what drew you to each other.
- What does a typical disagreement between you look like? How does it usually end?
- What are you most looking forward to about being married?
- What are you most nervous about?
- Describe your parents'' relationship growing up.
- What do you think your partner would say is your greatest strength? Your biggest challenge?
You don''t need to prepare answers to these. The counselor isn''t looking for perfect answers — they''re looking at how you engage with the questions and with each other.
What You Should Ask the Counselor
The first session is also your opportunity to evaluate the counselor. A few questions worth asking:
- What''s your approach to premarital counseling? (You want to understand their framework.)
- How many sessions do you typically recommend? (5–8 is standard; anything under 4 is thin.)
- Do you use an assessment tool like PREPARE/ENRICH? (These are useful for structured feedback.)
- What happens if something difficult comes up? (Good counselors have a plan for this.)
- Can you issue a state certificate if we need one? (If you''re in a discount state, ask directly.)
How to Prepare
You don''t need to prepare extensively. But a few things help:
- Come with an open mind. The first session rarely surfaces major issues. It''s about establishing a relationship with the counselor.
- Agree in advance not to "discuss" the session in the parking lot immediately after. Couples who debrief intensely right after sessions sometimes work each other up over things that weren''t meant to be escalated. Give it a few hours.
- Think briefly about what you want to get out of counseling. Even a vague answer ("I want us to communicate better") helps the counselor direct their work.
After the First Session
Most couples feel relieved — it was less scary than expected. Many feel excited. Occasionally, something meaningful surfaces in the first session that sparks a productive conversation on the drive home.
If you don''t feel a connection with the counselor after the first session, that''s important information. Therapeutic fit matters. It''s entirely reasonable to try a second counselor before committing to a full program.
Find a premarital counselor near you →